I walked a difficult path, though I told almost no one the troubles I went through, the pain I suffered, the nights of crying.
It was like I was trying to walk upstream on the Colorado River. One step forward, ten steps backward.
Illness, pain from the past, rejection, everything roared past me, trying to drag me back.
Who could I turn to? People had failed me before when I had trusted them, how could I trust them again? Things brought no satisfaction. Who could be my savior? Nothing worked.
God, however, seemed to follow my every step. No matter where I ran, He followed. Finally I yelled out to Him. “Leave me alone!! Haven’t you already made my life bad enough?”
“I can help you,” was His answer, “get through this river of life. You just need to ask.”
“Not in my lifetime.” I muttered and waded back up the river towards the person who I wanted to be. One step forward, ten steps back. One step forward, ten steps back. One step forward, ten steps back.
The waters seemed to raise higher. Disappointments, anger, desolation pounded by me as I slipped and tripped over the rocks of worthlessness and depression.
Finally, I stopped and turned to God. “Why have You made this life so hard? You are in charge of this whole world! You can change everything! Why have You made my life so difficult and painful? You could change it!”
He waded through the waters to me. “My child,” He answered. “What you need is not to have your story changed. What you need, is someone to walk through this river with you.”
“Well,” I snapped back. “I can’t trust anyone here!”
“You can trust Me.” He replied. “I will never leave you nor forsake you. I will stand by you.”
“Yeah right.” I grumbled.
“I died for you.” He continued. “I left My heavenly palace and My Father to come and live on this world to save those who wanted to kill Me so that I could save those who would listen to Me from eternal death and instead give them eternal life with My Father and I. I lived for 33 years among those who were plotting to kill Me. I healed anyone who came to Me. I can heal you too.”
“I don’t need healed.” I snarled back.
“Yes, you do.” He answered. “Maybe not physically, but spiritually. I didn’t die for the healed and I wasn’t beaten by those who didn’t need a doctor.” He stretched out His hand. “I can heal you. I can walk up these waters with you.”
I looked at the outstretched hand and then shook my head. “Think of all the things I’d have to give up.” I grumbled. “I’d have to watch my language, watch what I wear, watch everything.”
“Is it worth it to have those things now and not have eternal life?” He challenged. He held out His hand again.
I stared at His outstretched hands and then at the rising waters. Hesitatingly, I reached out and grasped His hand.
He smiled and walked closer.
It wasn’t easy, I’ll say that. Sometimes the waters ripped me out of His hand. He always dove after me and brought me back.
The waters didn’t stop rising, but true to His word, He never left me.
It didn’t become easier, sometimes it was actually harder. But now I always had Someone by my side.
And now that I’m looking back, I can see, my story is beautiful in it’s own unique way and I can see God’s fingerprints stuck all over it.