Written for Christian Flash Weekly #34
I have a lot to be thankful for. You heard the sarcasm, right?
Within a month, I lost my job (it was a terrible job anyway. Circle K doesn’t pay that much at all), my car (maybe I should have put more emphasis on the payments), straight out of college too, so I have my loans to pay off (a lot of good it did me, here I am unemployed) and my dog ran away (I don’t think I could pay for her food, but I miss her like crazy). Did I mention that I live fifteen minutes out of town? How am I going to get to and from work (if I even find anything anywhere) without a car?
Oh yeah, I have five bullets left in my gun too. I used the sixth one the other day to shoot what I thought was a raccoon in my chickens cuz I’ve lost three the past week.
It was a skunk.
I felt bad that the chickens were so close to that awful smell so I let them out of their coop. They spread out and headed for the woods and I haven’t seen them since.
There went my breakfast eggs that I was counting on, you stupid feathered critters!!!!
Oops. Sorry. Didn’t mean to lose my temper.
Welcome to my life, y’all.
Wait, that didn’t sound right.
Weelllcome ta my liiife, y’aaallll.
There. That’s better. It just doesn’t sound right if you don’t do the accent.
Well, I guess if I’m counting all the things that went wrong, you’ve gotta remember the newspaper. Can’t forget the newspaper.
So, I was out at this community event, and there was a band singing. So I was just sitting there having a great ole time when this guy walks over and was like ‘hey, is this place taken?’. He was totally cute so I was like ‘no, sit down if you want’. And then, he brings over this old grandpa from somewhere, winks at me, says thanks and runs over to hang out with another girl. And then, after I sat there, trying to talk to this guy (Yes, I know how lucky I am to live in this nation. What? I am not voting without thinking. That’s just stupid. Excuse me, my dad was in the army, I know what we stand for!! Yes, I can recited the Pledge of Allegiance. No, dude, I’m not a democrat. What do you mean ‘dude’ sounds stupid??) and the cute guy comes back, smiling like crazy, and then tells me that he works for this company that does these shows called ‘Gags’ or something like that, and I’m going on TV.
So I see myself on TV looking like a complete dork. Then a reporter from the newspaper comes over to interview the ‘famous’ me and splashes it all across the newspaper too.
That was bad.
Oh no. It wasn’t a one day thing. It’s on the front page of today’s newspaper as well.
So yeah, now you know why Dad was worried about me going to college and moving thirty miles away. Life just doesn’t work right for me.
I was trying to fix the roof the other day because I have a leak. But I had to keep running up and down the ladder cuz I couldn’t remember where the spot was. So I finally got smart and drilled a hole through the ceiling and put a stick in the hole. I’m going to be fixing it anyways, right? But…I broke my drill bit.
So I need to go to the store to get another one.
After I get my car.
After I get my job.
After I get my car to get to my job.
I got my roof fixed though!! It took me all day. I found this tile/roof thingy/whatever-it-is-that-you-nail-on-the-top-of-your-roof and I nailed it over my hole. Do you have any idea how hard it is to pound in a nail with a hammer?? It’s terrible!!
But at least I won’t have to sleep in my barn because of a falling down roof.
Yeah, I guess that’s a plus. Cuz my barn is infested with…mice!!! Ewww. Ok…well, I guess that’s why the owls and snakes like it so much as well. Owls are ok during the day, but snakes? They’re terrible any time and I’m positive there’s a nest of twenty of them in there. And spiders! I bet that if there’s any spiders like on ‘The Hobbit’ for real, they’re hiding in my barn. That would be my luck.
I tried to poison them, like with the spray bottle that your suppose to squeeze and spray all over and all the spiders die? Well, I started spraying and found out about a wasp’s nest above my head. Apparently either the spiders are their friends or they thought I was spraying them cuz they chased me out of the barn, around my house and into my neighbor’s water tank. So yeah, that’s why my face is swollen up like a ballon.
Oh!! My radio still works! Have you ever had a dance party? They’re a lot of fun. We used to do them in the middle of Mr. Hentlon’s class (he was SO boring) and drive him crazy.
“Light of the world,
You stepped down into darkness.
Opened my eyes, let me see.
Beauty that made this heart adore You
Hope of a life spent with you.”
Oh c’mon, sing with me!!! I know, I know, it’s not really a dance song but it’s still one of the best ones around.
“Here I am to worship,
Here I am to bow down,
Here I am t say that You’re my God.
You’re altogether lovely,
Altogether wonderful to me…”
Maybe I do have a lot to be thankful for. No sarcasm there.